Hey there!

Why the h*ck I haven’t written here in for effing ever…

  1. I’m happy
  2. I’m busy
  3. I’m playing my online game
  4. I have way too much to say and I don’t know where to start
  5. All of the above

I have so many stories and blogs and novels and ideas started, but none seem to actually get finished…or even halfway done. My brain is always working faster than my poor fingers can handle. I wish they would hurry up and invent/create/provide the thought to screen thingee bopper already. Also, motivation and determination and dedication seem to be a bit more important than I am allowing them to be.

Fine, whatever, I’ll post some damn thing here now. Whatever. Anyway, I am currently watching one of my favorite episodes of Supernatural ever (200th ep, “Fan Fiction”) and sitting in my “Brenda Cave” or office or writing room or whatever you would like to call it. I prefer cave as I feel comfortable and enclosed and protected and such in here.

Things that I want to write about whether anyone actually reads them or not:

  1. Why my mom is the most amazing woman in the entire world
  2. How I met your father, as told to the furchildren
  3. What the eff were those crazy people thinking when they dumped Dory?
  4. Why my husband is the most wonderful and awesome guy ever.
  5. How I got into sugar gliders and what they have meant to me
  6. How Supernatural, Family Guy: Another Freaking Mobile Game, and Kevin Probably Saves the World brought me back to life.
  7. Fangirl from birth?
  8. Why Curtis Armstrong is one of the greatest actors, but why is he drinking all that foam and how did it disappear so fast?
  9. Why Chuck is the perfect God
  10. Dude, Quit ironing my shirts with beer
  11. Okay, I may be done writing for tonight…watching another favorite, “Don’t Call Me Shurley”.
  12. Speaking of Rob Benedict…Jason Manns is awesome and The Station Breaks make an amazing album and I want more!!!
  13. This morning I totally said I was not going to drink much tonight. Tonight, I keep saying just one more…or two…damn, why does beer taste so good and why the fuck did Colorado get rid of 3.2 beer???? Fucking A…this is not good for me. Oh well, whatever.
  14. Perhaps I will actually do better and write more (literally, I have two books – totally different genres – that I have started writing that I effing love and think will be awesome, but I need to actually work on them!)

Bloody hell, short post. Oh well. Live, laugh, love and be good to each other.

Posted in Anxiety and Depression, Dorkiness, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Life's a B and then you die, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I’m Still Here, I swear!

I haven’t written in a while as the last couple weeks have been pretty hectic. I kept meaning to write about some things as they happened, but they just kept piling on. So, here’s a bit of everything that I can remember and not a whole lot of details so this, hopefully, doesn’t put anyone to sleep.

Saturday June 16 was a good day – Jeff and I went to the mountains and Estes Park – got some good pictures and had a lovely time with my husband.


I guess sometimes it’s just too much to expect more than one good day in a row…lol. Sunday June 17 started out fine. We stayed up late the night before watching a movie, so we got up pretty late in the morning. By pretty late, I mean around 7am or so. We had the dogs out in the backyard around 9am when I heard a loud “crack”. I asked Jeff what the heck that was and he replied, “BB gun”. I looked towards where I thought the sound came from and I saw a squirrel flopping around just inside our yard. I freaked. Someone shot a squirrel in our yard where my husband, my little dogs and I were. I was so pissed off. Our next-door neighbors knew who did it and they even had holes in the back of their house from previous instances. I called the police. The police came and talked to the boy’s parents. The cop actually knew the boy from school (he’s a resource officer at the high school). The officer said the parents had no idea it was happening and were upset and took the gun away and it won’t happen again. We’ll see. I’m definitely more paranoid when bringing the dogs out back now.

Later on, Nacho started throwing up and then Dory joined her. The next day there was more stomach upset and it didn’t stick with just the pups…hahaha. That was Monday. I had a mandatory orientation for unemployment that I attended in the morning. I was a few minutes late because one of the places I sent my resume called me just as I was supposed to go in. I took the call and had a bit of a phone interview and they said they’d call later to set up an in-person interview. Woohoo! They did and the interview was scheduled for Tuesday at 9am. I was supposed to go back to the workforce center and take a WRC thing to certify that I am awesome…lol. Something about soft skills – I passed all, but my lowest score was for professionalism…haha. Seems like I have worked in several laidback and comfy environments. 😊 My interview seemed to go pretty well and the lady who interviewed me asked if I would come back to meet the owners of the company as soon as she could set it up. Of course, I said yes!

Later on Tuesday, we had some pretty bad storms along with hail larger than quarter sized. New jeep got pummeled and we have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to get an estimate for the damage. I shoveled quite a lot of hail and moved the glider cages out of their room as the carpet was soaked. Also had water in some closets and some hail came through the window with the swamp cooler in it. Tons of fun. I found a bird who had been severely injured by the hail and my next door neighbor helped it cross the bridge. We were both really sad about the poor pretty pigeon.



Wednesday afternoon was spent cleaning up outside and in the garage which had also gotten some water and we wanted to make room for the jeep…too little too late, but oh well.

Thursday I had a meeting with someone at the workforce center to talk about my job search and my resume and all that fun stuff. Friday, I got a phone call from the lady I interviewed with on Monday – yay! Scheduled an interview with the owners for Monday morning. Also on Friday, I had quite an upsetting and unsettling experience that was expected, but very unwelcome. It was a hearing (over the phone) regarding my unemployment. I still have not found out what the ruling is but hope to soon. This hearing included some people that caused me to have a bit of an anxiety attack while on the phone, but I hope I sounded at least mostly coherent. I had hoped to be done with something but was forced to relive a bit of it and that made for a very rough evening and night.

Saturday morning was spent in the mountains again and that really helped lift my mood. Then that afternoon we went to Fort Vasquez museum with a very good friend. We have driven by Fort Vasquez so many times in the last 6 years and I had always wanted to stop but never did so I was all too happy to go with our friend who was going for school. I really enjoyed the museum and want to go back again. We went out to dinner and then watched a movie when we got back home. The Full Monty is one of my favorite movies and I hadn’t seen it in far too long. Laughter really is some damn good medicine.

Sunday was spent cleaning up around the house and in the yard from the storms the previous Tuesday. Monday morning was the interview with the owners of the company that I was really hoping to work for. They offered me the job and I accepted! 😊 I start on June 9th so the last few days were and the next several days will be spent getting ready to start a new job. A new career, a new company, a new chapter in my life. I am beyond ready and so excited to see what comes next (assuming the poopy stuff takes a break for a while!)

Posted in Anxiety and Depression, Dorkiness, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Life's a B and then you die, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Through Dangers Untold and Hardships Unnumbered

I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the goblin city to take back the child you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, my kingdom as great…for my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great…Damn! I can never remember that line. You have no power over me.


Labyrinth is one of my all-time favorite movies and the above quote seems particularly fitting right now.

I have been pretty quiet on the social media front lately. I have been afraid to jinx things. I have been afraid to expose myself to ridicule. I have been afraid and I shouldn’t be.

Okay, yeah, no, that is it.  I am done allowing you and your soul sucking indifference to influence my life and my decisions. You destroyed my health – mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. You have ruined my life for well over 18 months now and I refuse to allow it to continue. I used to be lighthearted, enthusiastic, optimistic and trusting. I have spent so long being unhappy and afraid that when I think things are starting to look up, I expect and fear the inevitable downfall. I was not this way prior to the hell you put me through.

In January of 2017 I wore a heart monitor for a week to see what was going on with the fluttering and palpitations. It recorded my heart speeding up so fast almost every day around the same time.  My doctor attributed it to stress and anxiety and increased my antidepressant which is also used to treat anxiety. I had been on a small dose for over 20 years to maintain “normal” mental health.  The increase seemed to work for a while until it didn’t. My dose was increased again which worked for a short time, but I was having anxiety and panic attacks, so my doctor decided to max out my dose (4 times the original maintenance dose I had been on).  We ended up adding yet another antidepressant on top of that. I had to take a leave of absence and go on short term disability after being made aware that “my all and everything” I had given was not enough and you expected much more from me. I saw my doctor regularly and added a therapist to the regularly scheduled programming. I have spent so long working on myself and trying to build up what you mercilessly tore down.

I was not the only one you ruined. I know others who felt similar and had to start therapy and medications and/or increase doses.  Do you understand that is not normal? That should not be. Ever. I started looking for something different – incredibly different. Something that did not provide the enjoyment that you once did. I was afraid I would become trapped again. I have realized that I need not worry about that. You are an aberration. A detestable, abhorrent aberration.  Yes, there may be those who are like you, but they must be very few and very far between. Logic dictates this is so, otherwise the whole world would be madder than it already is. I am looking for something that makes me feel wanted and appreciated and is maybe even impressed with my capabilities.

I took an online assessment the other day and it reminded me of who I was. Who I want to be again. Caring, loving, happy, positive, confident and sure of myself. You made me feel helpless and ugly and sick. I am ready to embrace my power and beauty and health. I received a letter in the mail. It demonstrated that, after all this time, you are still trying to control my life. I will not let you. For the first time in a very long time, I truly believe that things will work out the way they were meant to. Things will improve greatly, it’s just a matter of time.  So, I am done with you. Done, done, done. You have no power over me. 😉 And, just for emphasis, a great big


– without the N…

Posted in Anxiety and Depression, Dorkiness, Entertainment, Health and weight loss, Humor, Life's a B and then you die, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Can things get any worse? Yes, they can…so shut the eff up and knock on some wood, dumbass…

TL;DR (Too Long; Didn’t Read for those who were unaware):  I have Depression – I was under tremendous stress and pressure at work – Now dealing with Anxiety and Depression – Had a Nervous Breakdown – Was on Short Term Disability – Quit job for health – Looking for part-time/less stress job – car totaled in motor vehicle accident and body injured and anxiety and depression worsened – husband’s vehicle now broken – no vehicle – freaking out – why me?  Seriously?!?!?!  WTF?  Flipping hard to stay positive and optimistic right now…lol.  Gotta laugh or I’ll cry/scream. 

We became a one-vehicle household 5 weeks ago today.  We became a no-vehicle household today.  We have two payments left on a 2003 Yukon that we bought 3 years ago and the transmission is shot.  I assume it will cost more to replace than the vehicle is probably worth.  We’re pretty much screwed at this point and renting a vehicle so Jeff can get to work.

I started writing the below some weeks ago and have added a bit here and there.  I guess I may as well just go ahead and post it all now.

I laid down with my husband and kids (Nacho and Dory) to take a nap early this afternoon (Sunday, April 1st, 2018).  We always have Spongebob DVDs playing when we go to sleep.  The main reason for this, besides the fact that I absolutely LOVE Spongebob, is that it helps me to clear my mind.  If I pay attention to the cartoon, I will usually stop thinking about other stuff…life and money and issues and things that give me anxiety.  Sadly, that didn’t happen right away today.  I kept thinking about and reliving different aspects of many of the car accidents I have been in.  Thinking about the sound of the impact and the metal or plastic crumpling and glass breaking, the smell of the crap that comes out of the airbag as well as the smell of the metal or plastic and any fluids leaking, the feel of the seatbelt holding me back or down and creating bruises that will be utterly beautiful in a few days, the feel of the airbag hitting my face and throwing my glasses who knows where (this last time they were on the floor of the passenger seat), the sight of the deflated air bag and powder in the air and the hood crunched up to the windshield.

The sheer panic immediately after the crash.  Am I okay?  Am I going to live?  Do I have any internal injuries?  Am I bleeding?  I gotta get out of the car now.  What if it explodes?  What if someone else hits me while I’m sitting here or after I get out of the car?  Is the other driver (any passengers) okay?  Why???  This last time it was: My babies!  Oh God!!  My babies!!  Are they okay?  Please be okay!!!  What do I do?!?!  How can I help them?  Oh babies!  I am so sorry!  Mama’s so sorry!  Oh, babies!  They’re shaking and scared, stunned and shocked, but they are alive.  Oh God!  My poor babies.  How do we get back to the vet?  Do they need to be seen?  Oh God!  I am so sorry, babies!  I can’t believe this happened!  I could have lost you!  Oh God!  Holding them in my lap on the concrete.  Clutching them tight while we watch all of the people and flashing lights and commotion.  I’m still shaking and scared and it all seems so surreal.  I’m starting to get to the point of hysterics…I need to joke and laugh or I am going to scream and cry and lose my ever-loving mind!  Why?!?!  Oh God!  That was so close!  So blessed and thankful to be alive, but are there any injuries that we don’t know about yet?  My toe hurts and I tell the paramedics that, but I still sign the waiver thing saying I didn’t need to be transported or treated.  I’m sort of numb…the adrenaline is still going.  Why does this keep happening to me?!?! A bit of rinse and repeat and there ya go.

Aside from the physical, mental and emotional trauma and the flashbacks to prior accidents, this last one has really messed things up for me in so many ways.  I want to try to write it all down…maybe a list or bullet points.  I’ll try not to get too detailed or this could end up as an epic novel.  😉 In no particular order…

Motor Vehicle Accident Wednesday, March 14th, 2018:

  • 2011 White Chevrolet Impala Totaled. Vehicle Purchased April 2012, paid off 02/12/2018 (6 months early and 30 days prior to accident).  The vehicle was in excellent condition, very well taken care of.  Always went to dealer for any service, including oil changes.  Had less than 85k miles on it.  Was planning on driving this car for another 10 or 15 years easily – was looking forward to no car payments for the duration of that time.
  • Missed counselor appointment on 03/15/2018 because I didn’t have a car and check in was 8:05am.
  • Went to Emergency Department on 03/15/2018 – got ride from next door neighbor around 10 or 11am.
  • Neck pain, back pain and right foot pain (big toe and surrounding area top, bottom and inside – x-rays didn’t show anything broken – was told bruises and contusions. Prescribed narcotic, muscle relaxer and 800mg ibuprofen – back and neck pain different from usual pain – different feeling and different spots.  Foot/Toe still hurts 3 weeks later and I am wearing a shoe/boot thing per my doctor’s suggestion and continuing to take ibuprofen – it is now more than 4 weeks since accident and I am still in pain.  I have a strange feeling in a spot on my back that I have never had before…almost a numb/tingling feeling. I am still getting headaches and just feel like crap inside and out.  5 weeks later, still hurts and have now started physical therapy for my back and foot.
  • Because I am taking ibuprofen, I had to cancel/reschedule the colonoscopy/endoscopy that was scheduled for March 29th. I now have to wait at least a few more months to have the screening that I had finally scheduled after a long time of putting it off.  Particularly because I had been having digestive issues that could be serious.
  • Flashing back to prior motor vehicle accidents that were also traumatic – 3rd time someone has turned or pulled out in front of me and totaled (or nearly totaled) my car.
  • Sick with worry over my dogs’ (KIDS’) health – they seemed okay, but very shaken up. Sill worry a lot about their well-being and keep flashing back to what could have happened.
  • Scared to drive – much more anxious behind the wheel or even as a passenger
  • Sent husband with two girl friends on an overnight trip, hours away, because I couldn’t handle being in a car that long or away from the kids – missed out on Bishop Castle and Garden of the Gods and fun and being with my husband.
  • So scared husband or other loved one will be in an accident – anxiety in overdrive
  • Emotionally and mentally, I had been doing a lot better and was starting to look for a part-time job here in town. I had been on short-term disability from July to December 2017 due to horrible Depression and Anxiety and stress from my job and ended up resigning because my doctor, counselor, husband, mother and I knew that I would be unable to go back to the same thing that put me in this position to begin with.  I was doing better and then this accident happened.  My anxiety and depression has worsened and I have no car and I cannot get a job at this time which makes everything worse and makes me feel even more worthless.
  • I had been cutting back/quitting smoking and drinking prior to this, as well. I almost have to start over because I went back up in the number of cigarettes and beers I had a day – not as bad as I had been prior to seeking treatment for my depression and anxiety, but quite a bit worse than I had been doing.
  • I feel like a burden on my next door neighbor who has been driving me to appointments.
  • I will be starting physical therapy for my back and foot on April 17th.
  • The foot pain makes it hard to walk around much or stand for long periods of time. Prior to this, one of the only things that made me feel better about myself was getting housework done and taking care of my husband and family.  It’s very hard to do any of that right now.  1st of all, the depression has sapped much of my motivation and even when I do work on stuff, it’s not long before I am in too much pain to continue.  It’s very hard to vacuum or sweep or do laundry and dishes while sitting down with my foot up.  And how the Hell am I supposed to get a job with no car and not being able to be up on my feet for any length of time?
  • On top of all of this, I lost my CDs. I don’t know if they were stolen out of my car or what, but the salvage yard where it ended up claim they were not in the car.  It was a 24 CD holder that goes on the visor.  It had all of my Violent Femmes, Metallica and Nine Inch Nails, as well as some other favorites.  According to my insurance, those would be covered under my renter’s insurance policy, but since I believe I have a $500 deductible, it would be totally pointless to submit a claim since the CDs are technically worth less than that.  I am so upset about this, I don’t know what to do.
  • I just want to feel better. I want to be back where I was before this accident mentally, emotionally and physically.  I really don’t have all of the words to express just how bad I am feeling…
  • And now we lost the Yukon. My husband’s vehicle…the only one we have now.  The transmission is shot and we cannot afford to have it fixed – it would probably cost more than the vehicle is worth.  We have 2 payments left on it.
  • We keep renting vehicles in order for me to get to appointments and now we need to in order for my husband to get to work.
Posted in Accidents, Anxiety and Depression, Dorkiness, Family, Humor, Life's a B and then you die, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Lost in a Dream…

I’m having a rough day.  I’ve been like a silly millimeter from crying all morning and I don’t know why, exactly.  I mean, yeah, my depression and anxiety have been pretty damn bad lately…but this is just ridic.  Trying to keep distracted, but it’s not really helping.  Head, back, neck and foot/toe all hurt – I am scared to take too much otc pain meds because I have been drinking more than I should lately.  Also smoking more than I should – still trying to vape instead, though.  No real appetite but forcing myself to eat because I know I have to.  I have an appointment with my counselor on Monday and an appointment for physical therapy on Tuesday.  I am hoping to get a good idea of what is going on with my back and foot and how to make them better.

I had some bad dreams last night.  Some about work, some about bullies and mean people from my youth and that I hadn’t graduated high school 22 years ago.  The worst of the dreams though, involved my mom.  I don’t remember much detail, thank goodness, but it was bad.  Basically, Mom was getting really bad mentally due to age or something and she was becoming very cruel and mean.  Anyone who knows my mom knows what a sweet and kind and wonderful person she is.  The dream was awful.  I guess all of my bad dreams last night were about people being mean to me.  Am I afraid that this will happen or is it just me being mean to myself?  I don’t know.  I don’t know if I want to know.

I am full of contradictions and paradoxes and oxymorons or whatever.  Sometimes I look in the mirror or at a picture of myself and think I am beautiful and other times I see a pathetic, old, fat, ugly girl looking back at me.  Sometimes I think I am a good person who deserves good things and other times I feel worthless and stupid and bad.  I want everyone to love me and care about me and pay attention to me, but most of the time I don’t want to interact with anyone.  I want to be in control and I want things on my terms.  My counselor says that’s what everyone wants and I guess he’s right.  I just don’t know what to do.  I want to feel good about myself again.  I want to be happy or at least not so blah.  I write things wanting people to see them and care, but I don’t want sympathy or anything.  I need to write for an audience of one.  I need to write for me.  I need to stop caring what people think of me.  I am me – I am a dork, a fangirl of many things, a dogmom, a glidermom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a font of useless knowledge and pop trivia (as long as we’re mostly talking about 90’s and earlier…).  I am me and I need to love myself.

Speaking of…Paula Abdul is on the radio right now…Straight Up – one of my favorite songs from 30 years ago…damn, I am old.  “Lost in a dream; I don’t know which way to go.” “I’ve been fooled before; Wouldn’t like to get my love caught in the slammin’ door. How about some information, please? Straight up, now tell me, Do you really wanna love me forever…”

Blah blah blah…whatever.  Writing things out does make me feel a bit better, but I think it is about time for a cigarette and a nap.  Hoping for good dreams.

Posted in Anxiety and Depression, Dorkiness, Dreams, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Life's a B and then you die, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Please stop turning or pulling out in front of me when driving…

Hmmm…what shall I write about today (Thursday, March 15, 2018)?  Anything new or exciting happen to me recently?  Let me think…  Let’s start with the fact that I originally had a counselor appointment scheduled for this morning, but I had to cancel/reschedule.  Why?  Well, because I no longer have a car.  Yes, the car that we JUST paid off a few weeks ago and for which I JUST received the lien release in the mail the other day.  The car that we took such good care of and it only went to the dealership for service.  The car that I was planning on driving until it died years and years from now.  I was so happy to be done with payments for at least a few years.  Technically, the insurance company has not even looked at it yet so I can’t say that it’s totaled, but, dude, it is totally totaled.  We got the car in April of 2012.  It was a white 2011 Chevrolet Impala and I loved it.  It was the newest car I had ever owned.  I’m gonna miss that beautiful car.

I seem to be accident prone.  I have known that for years, of course, but this pretty much proves it.  I have stubbed multiple toes multiple times.  Sometimes so hard they have been bruised, sprained and broken (I even had to wear a knee-high boot/air cast for one bad break) and I have slammed or jammed my fingers and hands so bad with more bruises, sprains and broken bones.  One time, I was running down the stairs (wearing slippers – haha) and I slipped and fell forward – caught myself with my hand before my face smashed the floor and hurt some fingers.  Went to get them x-rayed and they were not broken, but apparently my wrist was fractured which they just happened to see in the x-ray.  I have fallen and scraped/bruised/bloodied myself so many times over the years it’s ridiculous.  Fallen while walking, running, skipping, jumping.  Fallen on bikes, scooters, skateboards, roller skates, roller blades, exercise equipment, etc.  I get bruises all over my body that I do not remember receiving.  We have a glider room that the dogs aren’t allowed in.  We also do not let the dogs go in the basement at all without us.  We use baby gates to keep them out and up.  I hurt myself on those damn things on a near weekly basis.   My pain tolerance is pretty damn high after everything I’ve been through.

The thing I hate most, though, is the car accidents.  I have been in so many that people probably wonder if I am really that inept of a driver (I’m not).  I decided, since I have one so fresh in my mind, I would see if I could remember and write about all the car accidents I have been in.  I’m betting that I will forget a couple here and there, but I will do my best.  😊  Dates are estimated unless specified.

Minnesota Summer Mid-late ‘80s:  In the backseat with my brother, Dad driving and Mom in passenger seat.  We were on a residential street slowing down/stopped to talk to someone about parking on their property as we were heading to the State Fair nearby and quite a few residents were selling spots.  Somebody apparently did not notice that we were stopped and ran into us from behind.  That sucked.  Don’t remember if I was hurt at all, but I think my dad got whiplash.  I also don’t remember if we had the white 1987 Toyota Corolla yet or if we were still driving the station wagon.

Minnesota Summer ‘94:  I was still 16.  I had a 17-year-old guy friend in the car with me.  I was driving the white 1987 Toyota Corolla that I bought from my parents.  We were heading south on one road and going to turn right to head west on a highway.  There was a turn/merge lane with a bit of a median and a sign.   I looked over my left shoulder to make sure there was nobody coming and I could go ahead and merge.  I had a little time so I hit the gas and ran right into that sign.  I guess I had turned the wheel a bit to the left as I looked over my shoulder.  Dent in the hood & a small triangle one in the roof, rearview mirror flew into the back seat and the windshield shattered – glass everywhere.  I was wearing shorts and had little cuts all over my legs.  I ended up paying for a new sign.  I was at fault since the sign had not actually jumped out in front of me…

Minnesota Winter ’95-’96.  I had a couple friends with me in my 1987 Toyota Corolla.  The roads were pretty much pure ice at that time.  We were heading uphill on a curve on ice so I may have been going 20-25 mph at most.  There was a car in the oncoming lane with the left turn signal on and I expected them to wait to turn until we had passed.  Nope.  A 94 ½ year old man in a 1979 Plymouth Volare (I had always said Dodge Volare, but I just googled and I guess it’s actually a Plymouth?) turned in front of us.  I hit the brakes, but nothing happened because of the ice.  The Volare had a small dent on the side while the Corolla had a squashed front end.  The elderly gentleman got out of his car saying, “She was going so fast!  I had my turn signal on.  Didn’t she see I had my turn signal on?” and asked if we could give him a ride home.  Uh, no, this car isn’t going anywhere and we need to call the police.  Police came and they had to fill out all of his information because he was unable to do so.  No injuries and definitely not my fault.  The insurance companies were all incredibly busy that winter so they went ahead and just had the car fixed without inspecting it.  They did say later that it should have been totaled instead.  Oh well!  Got my car back.

Minnesota Summer ’96:  Driving my 1987 Toyota Corolla on a highway going probably 60 – boyfriend in passenger seat.  Damn deer jumped out of nowhere in front of us.  Deer went flying – front of car squished.  Heard the deer had been hit so hard that the meat couldn’t even be used.  No other injuries and definitely not my fault.  Okay, that time they totaled the car.  ☹  My car!

Minnesota Late May 2003:  Driving my new-to-me 2000 Toyota Corolla (purchased February 2003) on the freeway, heading home from my nephew’s birthday party.  Stop and go-fast…traffic would get up to about 65-70mph and then everyone would slam on their brakes.  One time when this happened, I slammed on my brakes and the vehicle behind me (family in a minivan) slammed on their brakes and all was fine until the big red truck behind them did not even slow down and plowed into the back of the van, pushing the van into my vehicle.  Bruised ribs and dented rear end.

Minnesota June 9th, 2003:  Left work to drive my 2000 Corolla to an auto shop for a repair estimate from the previous accident (see above).  I was driving about 50mph on a highway and looked over my left shoulder to be sure I could move over into the left lane.  At that time, a woman in a metallic (silver?) Chrysler Sebring Convertible decided to pull out from a stop sign on my right side to make a left turn.  I had no chance to do anything, my Corolla T-Boned that bitch…pardon my language…while my foot was still on the gas, going about 50mph.  Broken heel, bruises, pain…ambulance ride to emergency room, weeks of Hell and pain and casts and dr visits and no walking or driving for months…this experience could definitely be its own blog post…lol.  Needless to say, it was horrible.

Then there was the time a deer ran out and hit me…That was so not cool, man.  I had gotten a 1999 Ford Explorer Sport after the previous accident so I felt a bit safer driving.  Dent in side of vehicle…with some fur in there.  Deer was stunned (knocked unconscious?), but ended up getting up and running off while I was on the phone with the police.  This happened sometime between August 2003 and November 2006ish in Minnesota.

Colorado March 14th, 2018:  Driving my 2011 Chevrolet Impala home from the vet with the kids on their birthday after they got shots…I was heading east.  84 year old woman in a 2011 Jeep Liberty was facing west in the left turn lane.  I had the green light.  She had a flashing yellow arrow meaning she needed to yield to me.  She did not.  I saw it coming and slammed on my brakes, but still hit the side of her vehicle with the front passenger side of mine.  Car totaled.  Had JUST paid off car and gotten the lien release… Me – bruises, stiff and sore and hysterical worried about the pups (they were okay, thank goodness!).  It is nearly 2 weeks later and my flipping foot still hurts (x-rays showed no broken bones) and my back and neck are still hurting and not the usual way/places (x-rays didn’t show any breaks, either).  Okay, this accident deserves its own blog post, as well…seeing as how it set my healing back quite a bit after my nervous breakdown thing…will post that later…may take a while to write.

There could very well be some more incidents in between all of these, but I guess nothing that sticks out right this second.

Oh!  Not even to mention the time I was driving one of the white 1987 Toyota Corollas on the same highway that I hit the deer and about 45 minutes before they ended up closing the road due to flooding.  Huge puddle in front of me…more like the river had creeped up onto the road and it was nearly covered (turn around, don’t drown?  What’s that?).  I slowed way down to go through the water and then I gunned it after I was out.  Accelerator got stuck.  I couldn’t do anything to stop it.  I tried lifting it with my foot, I tried the brakes, I tried throwing it in neutral – nothing.  The car ahead of me was getting closer and closer faster and faster.  I stood on the brakes (literally…standing as best I could in the car with both feet on the brake pedal) and got’er down to about 40 and then turned the key to shut it off.  Scary as shit…thought I was gonna die for sure.

Then there was my 21st birthday (October 7th, 1998)…that morning, I was dreaming about being in my brother’s trailer when a bad storm hit (this happened May 30th, 1998) and the double-wide came apart and yeah…another post…lol.  Anyway, dreaming I was back there and the house was falling on top of me and I had to jump out from under it.  I was in a loft bed at the dorm and my roommate was in a bed below mine.  Our beds were up against a large window with a wide ledge and vent.  I woke my roomie up by landing partially on her and partially on the window ledge.  Bruised a spot on my hip where three large muscles overlap or something like that.  Ended up needing a cane for a few days…walking around college campus with a cane on my 21st birthday!  Yeah!  I am so awesome.

Okay, I could probably go on and on and on, but I will stop here now…just, please, everyone pay attention when you are driving and STOP PULLING OUT IN FRONT OF ME!!!  Sheesh!

Posted in Accidents, Anxiety and Depression, Dorkiness, Dreams, Entertainment, Family, Health and weight loss, Humor, Life's a B and then you die, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

🦋 Kevin (Probably) Saves the World #KevinProbably

***SPOILERS*** and ***Possible (brief) Trigger Warning***

Kevin Probably


Do not read unless you have watched all 16 episodes, or you do not care if things are “spoiled”.  Honestly, I have to say if that’s the case, you should actually stop reading and go watch the episodes on ABC On Demand or Hulu right now…

I’ve been spending the last several days trying to figure out just how to express what this new TV series means to me and why.  There were 16 episodes in the first season (hoping and praying it’s not the last!), but it only took me one or two episodes to completely fall in love with the show and its characters.

If you have read my blogs, you are most likely somewhat aware of what the TV show Supernatural means to me and how much it has helped me in the last 5 months.  I have yet to fully express my thoughts and feelings on Supernatural and its characters, as well as the cast and crew.  I swear, I will be able to get the majority of that down and published someday.  It’s just so powerful and there is so much to say.

Kevin (Probably) Saves the World should be a little easier for me to write about because there is only 16 episodes (so far – knock on wood!)  If you have not heard of the show or do not know what it is about, the below is the premise from http://abc.go.com/shows/kevin-probably-saves-the-world/about-the-show

“Kevin Finn (Jason Ritter) is not a good person. He’s not terrible, but he’s selfish, and clueless, and values material wealth and status over all else. And he’s beginning to realize that those things aren’t making him happy—in fact, he’s fairly miserable. Just when things seem to be at their worst, he finds himself tasked with an unbelievable mission… saving the world. Kevin (Probably) Saves the World, is a unique one-hour drama, filled with hope, heart and a good dose of irreverent humor.

On a dangerous path of despair, Kevin returns to his childhood home in Texas to crash with his widowed twin sister, Amy (JoAnna Garcia Swisher), and teenaged niece, Reese (Chloe East). It is a strained homecoming—he and his family have grown apart over the years—and Kevin has no real hope that anything will get better. But a series of fantastic events, including a meteorite landing near the house, lead Kevin to meet an unlikely celestial guide, Yvette (Kimberly Hébert Gregory). Yvette delivers incredible news to Kevin: in every generation, there are 36 righteous souls on Earth whose mere existence protects the word. Kevin, she tells him, is the last of the 36 righteous. Humanity has been thrown into crisis. Without the 36, the world will begin to lose the one thing that allows us to persevere through the ups and downs of life: hope.

Now Kevin has a mission, whether he wants it or not: “power up” his soul through acts of kindness and selflessness, so that he can eventually find and anoint a new generation of righteous. Yvette will serve as his protector and teacher, a drill sergeant with divine authority, even if she’s the least angel-like person he’s ever met.

Kevin (Probably) Saves the World stars Jason Ritter (Parenthood) as Kevin Finn, JoAnna Garcia Swisher (Once Upon a Time, The Astronaut Wives Club) as Amy Cabrera, Kimberly Hébert Gregory (HBO’s Vice Principals) as Yvette, Chloe East as Reese Cabrera, J. August Richards as Deputy Nate Purcell, Dustin Ybarra as Tyler Medina and India de Beaufort as Kristin Allen.”


I saw the previews for the show before it premiered, and I thought it looked pretty cool.  One evening, I was bored and flipping through channels.  Nothing was on so I checked “On Demand” and saw that the first episode of Kevin (Probably) Saves the World that originally aired 10/03/17 was available.  I watched it and I loved it.  About a week later, I watched the 2nd episode (original airdate 10/10/17) on demand, as well.  I was hooked.  Long story short, a few days later is when I decided to check out Supernatural on Netflix.  That was pretty much all I watched for 3 months since I had 12 ½ seasons to catch up on before the midseason premier.  Because of this, Kevin was placed on the backburner.

A few weeks ago, I was on Twitter and saw Samantha Smith (Mary Winchester from Supernatural) tweet about Kevin (Probably) Saves the World.  That reminded me I still had some episodes that needed watching.  I caught up on the rest of the 16 episodes just the other day and now, of course, I want to watch all of the episodes again…and again…  I loved it so much.  The humor, the heart, the dialogue, the characters, the relationships, the feel of it, the point of it, all of it just coalesced into one ginormous ball of warm, soft, mushy, wonderful goo that enveloped me.  I felt so good every time I watched the show.

Let’s get the first thing that spoke to me out of the way.  Kevin was going back to his family home in a small town in Texas to stay with his twin sister.  He was leaving New York because he had recently attempted to kill himself.  He had lost his job and the relationship he had with his girlfriend had dissolved.  He felt as many of us have felt in our lives.  He felt alone and hopeless.  I, personally, have not felt suicidal in over 20 years, but I do suffer from depression and anxiety.  I do still sometimes feel alone and hopeless.

Another thing that felt so familiar to me was the banter between Kevin and his niece, Reese.  It’s very similar to the way my nieces and nephews and I speak to each other at times.  It’s an annoying, but friendly ribbing.  It’s teasing and taunting and Kevin and Reese are naturals.  I love how Kevin has helped Reese to open up some after her father was killed.  I enjoy watching their interactions as their relationship blossoms.

Yvette is the celestial being that enters Kevin’s life and turns it upside down (or right side up, if you look at it from a certain point of view).  She appears so strong and confident in the first episodes, but she starts to have doubts and becomes somewhat insecure and tries to hide anything that could make her seem human from Kevin.

Kristin is the beautiful and caring former high school sweetheart of our “hero”, Kevin.  I can’t tell you how much I adore her dimples and her sweet smile.  I hurt so bad for her while her mother was dying and became so proud of her strength after she passed.

Tyler is Kevin’s long-time friend.  Tyler is the sweetest, purest, most innocent soul around.  He definitely has rose-colored glasses and always sees the good in everyone he meets.  He is so beautiful inside and out.  I was devastated and sobbed so much when their friendship ended (temporarily, thank goodness!)

Amy is Kevin’s sister.  She is a widow who is not ready to move on when the show starts, but she slowly emerges and becomes more social and even has some fun with Kevin for a change!  She had been the “good girl” in school while Kevin was very much the “bad boy” and now she has loosened up some and is embracing life and another chance for love with Nate – another old school friend who is divorced and has had a crush on Amy since they were young.

The absurd and witty dialogue, the endearing humanity seen in each character, the beautiful settings and stories, the kindness and compassion and the comic pratfalls and just overall klutziness of Kevin – it all increases my enjoyment of this show.

Jason Ritter is a wonderful actor and is so adorable and funny in his own right and I am sure he gets this all the time, but…I cannot help but see some of his father (the late, great John Ritter) in his face, his physicality, his humor, his acting and his demeaner.  I grew up watching and laughing at/with Jack Tripper on Three’s Company and I am so excited to see his son in such a wonderful and hilarious show, as well.   I honestly cannot say enough good things about the writing, acting, characters, cast and crew who have created this amazing masterpiece so I will stop babbling…otherwise we could go on like this all day.

In short, Kevin (Probably) Saves the World makes me believe.  It makes me believe that people can change, that everyone has the capacity to do good and be a better person than they were.  That people who feel alone and hopeless can find themselves surrounded by love and faith and feel better about themselves and others.  It also makes me have hope and faith in humanity and in the future.  This show has such a powerful message and the message is communicated in such a way that makes it incredibly real as well as incredibly entertaining.  In this world, at this time, we need more of this.  We need more kindness and love, more light and laughter.  We need more Kevin.  I need more Kevin.

If you have actually read this whole thing, thank you.  Thank you for making me feel like I count, that my voice and thoughts might really mean something to someone.  ❤  Also, if you have not done so, can you please watch the show? If you enjoy it even a fraction of the amount that I do, please recommend it to everyone you know.  Make sure everyone knows to let ABC know that this is a show they need to keep.  We need more seasons of this miracle.  All of us could use a little more love and laughter and light in our lives.  Thank you.

Oh!  One last thing…for those who already know and love Kevin (Probably), you may understand why I needed to buy this clock while we were at Frozen Dead Guy Days in Nederland, CO over the weekend…lol.  My favorite color is purple and I love fairies, but there was just something else about this clock that shouted “Buy Me!!!!”.  😉

Fairy Clock

Posted in Anxiety and Depression, Dorkiness, Entertainment, Humor | Leave a comment